California’s Rolling Power Blackouts Have Reduced Me to Wholly Unsatisfying Forms of Manual Analog Entertainment

I fail to understand how this contraption works, or how it is intended to give today’s youth hours of squealing pleasure. For instance, I have in my hand one end of the cable – where does the other end of the cable plug in? Is this a wireless device? I bought this at the store in preparation for the California power blackouts that have reduced my personal computation machine to a silent desk ornament. However, this particular amusement device came with no documentation.

It was labelled a “Jump Rope.” Here it sits. I find that I can jump it, but I fail to see from whence I should be deriving amusement from the activity. Is there a way to turn up the difficulty?

Perhaps it is multiplayer only. I’d need to find a partner to hold the other end of the cable. Two possible problems present themselves: First, how am I to find a partner without any multiplayer matchmaking software? Second, were two players to each hold on to an end of the rope of jumping, who, then, would jump said rope?

Well, I see by the mass looting and panic in the hazy darkness outside that the blackout has not yet subsided. I will now attempt to wiggle the jumping device while chanting a rhythm-inducing poetic verse:

Five little monkeys,
Jumping on the bed.
One fell off
And bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor,
And the doctor said
“No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”

(Monkey = Monkey - 1)

Four little monkeys,
Jumping on the bed…

Hold on a minute, the physician clearly stated that the simian mattress antics must cease! Why must they continue? Don’t the four remaining monkeys understand that they’re taking their lives into their own little furry monkey hands!? Where’s the violence filter? Where’s the God mode? Noclip, noclip, you damn dirty apes!!

Maybe there’s a strategy guide somewhere.


Victim Pic Small

The jumping device has no “on” switch.


Score: 8.63; Total Votes: 2269 as of 2009-12-09.


Previous
You Want a Piece of Me? You Want a Piece of Me!? I’m Available to Kick Your Ass Anywhere between 3:15 and 3:45 PM PST Today

Next
Impossible! How Could He Possibly Have Killed Me? My Bunny Hopping Was Flawless in Both Planning and Execution!

Back To Index


Links to This Article