If That Puppy Whizzes in My Yard One More Time I’m Gonna Decapitate Him with a Half-life CD!
HEY! You! Stupid neighbor kid and your dumb puppy – GET OFF MY LAWN! Okay, this is the LAST STRAW! You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to rig up my yard with hundreds of game CDs attached to volatile spring-loaded steel tension cables.
Oh sure, hide in your snow fort and mock me. You see the tattered remains of this Half-Life CD? It killed over six dozen people at my office, one of which was disemboweled even though he was hiding in a refrigerator. He died not of wounds but of asphyxiation when the soda pop all around him exploded. And the same could happen to you!
That’s right, I’m going to booby-trap my yard with hundreds of game CDs that I ganked from work, just like the GeForce card I gave my kid for Christmas. This copy of Red Alert 2? I’m going to wrap it around these two trees, around the satellite dish, through the tires of my wife’s car, and finally prop it into place between the knees of my lawn flamingo. If your stupid puppy so much as nudges this spring-loaded cable in an attempt to yellow any more of my snow, that sucker’s gonna cut loose like Sherman through Georgia. Soon the merest stray puppy-paw will unleash dozens of screaming aluminum resin-coated harbingers of death, flashing through the air like Ginsu knives! The newfallen snow will be covered with the blood and entrails of a thousand vermin!
Believe me, I’ve seen the apocalypse, and the howling maw of armageddon is no place for chocolate doe-eyed puppy-dogs.
Ha ha, take that, puppy boy! What was that? Oh shit, the flamingo gave way! CLEAR OUT SHE’S LOOSE! It just cut through my wife’s car like a ninja!
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Links to This Article
- ‘Kay Dad, I Understand the New Puppy Chewed up Your Gel Mouse Wrist-rest, I’m Just Saying There May Be a Logical Explanation