I Asked for the Quake 3 Expansion for Christmas, but All I Got Was a Stupid Puppy

When the first powdery blue crack of daylight shimmered through my bedroom window, my eyes shot open and my heart was filled with a warmth that only the Holiday season could bring. Yes, it was Christmas, and I was gonna get stuff.

I stepped into my favorite fuzzy slippers and opened the blinds. Outside in the crisp air, thick snow fluttered from the heavens. Throughout the night it had turned the trees in our front yard into to a crystalline latticework of splendor. My skin tingled. That day I was convinced I would find the Quake 3 Expansion pack under the tree!

Instead I got a puppy.

Oh sure, he was glad to see me. He flipped his box over and padded toward me with big clumsy puppy paws. But he was no Quake 3: Team Arena. In the Quake 3 expansion, you could change your player-character’s head into someone else’s head. But the puppy had only one head, with big floppy ears, chocolate brown sparkling eyes, and an adorable button nose. But it was stuck there. There were no additional puppy-heads.

To add insult to injury, Joey, my next door neighbor, called me up to tell me for Christmas he’d gotten the Quake 3 Expansion AND a new GeForce video card that his dad was helping him install. I asked my dad if the puppy came with anything to install, and dad handed me some dog biscuits. The puppy’s performance went up considerably even before he got the treats, but mostly all he did was wag his little tail and put his paws on my chest while bouncing up and down excitedly all over the place. He didn’t glow blue with the quad damage effect or anything.

I asked dad if the puppy came with a rocket launcher, and he said no, he had been neutered. Whatever that means.

Once the sun was up and the fresh snow was sparkling outside with the morning light, Dad suggested I take the new Puppy out to play. My disappointments began to mount. First we tried to play capture the flag. I built a snow fort on my side of the lawn, but the puppy didn’t seem to have a clear conception that this was MY base. He kept running in circles around me and frolicking excitedly near my carefully constructed respawn point.

So I carried him over to HIS base, but I had to build it for him. Did he help me build his base? No! Although he enjoyed tunneling into the snow with his cold wet nose.

We had some mixed success with Team Snow Arena. See, he kept attacking my base, but never seemed to want to get my flag. He just wanted to lick my face. Then I dashed across the snow to capture his flag, and finally he seemed to get it! He was all over defense – but, when I threw his flag, instead of returning it to his base he gave it back to me. That was the last straw!

“You’re not Quake 3!” I yelled, pointing a mittened finger at him. “You’re just a stupid, stupid puppy!” My breath poofed into big white clouds around my face. The puppy hung his singular doggie head down in shame and started to slink away through the snow. I’d never seen someone look so sad.

Then I realized what was up – I think he wanted to be on my team. Of course he wanted to be on my team! No doubt he saw my mad circle-strafe skillz plotting out spirograph-like arcs in the new fallen snow, surely a sign of superior abilities. We started practicing together. Everytime I threw one of the flags, he brought it back to me. Way better than those schmucks online, who are always stealing my kills! Pretty soon, we were raiding enemy bases like a crack team of highly trained operatives. I’m serious, he was kicking butt. One time he snagged the enemy flag out of mid air!

From now on, his name is Sarge. He’s got the situation under control. After I promoted him and let him into my clan, you know what he did? He went over and whizzed in Joey’s yard. SARGE RULES. I’m gonna keep him.


Victim Pic Small

Tomorrow I’m pullin’ out the trampoline and showin’ Sarge some jump-pad skillz.


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