No Haden, you’re not allowed to play Mario Kart: Double Dash!! around the children. No, not because of the game, because of you.

No, you’ll just have to put it away and play something else, something that won’t be as offensive. Like Grand Theft Auto. Why?

Have you ever listened to yourself play Mario Kart? You’re not the man I married once you climb into that big turtle. By the time you powerslide around the first turn your mouth opens up and a stream of vulgarity pours out, uninterrupted by a single breath, until you cross the finish line with a purple face and veins bursting from your neck.

It’s not just that you’re swearing, Haden. You’re putting together combinations of words in disturbing, almost mathematically offensive patterns. You’re inventing new words that sound worse than real words. Hell, you invent new concepts that are disturbing on such a basic moral level that I’ve decided there should’ve been 12, or possibly 13 commandments in the Old Testament to cover for the additional scenarios you’ve invented while playing as Luigi.

You don’t believe me? Hang on, I actually wrote down a quote from your last session. Let me unfold the piece of paper here… Okay, here it is:

“You [expletive] Princess [expletive],” I quote, “I’m gonna take that [expletive] shell and ram it sideways up [expletive] until your [expletive] sprouts a new [expletive] and [expletive] your” – now, I think this next word is “Peachpit,” followed by “eboli,” and then you made the sign of the devil and yelled “[expletive]bananarama[expletive] up in this [expletive], bi-yotch.” Did I spell By-yotch right?

I think the kids would be safer if you played something more innocent, like Manhunt.

Victim Pic Small

I can’t even pronounce this next word, it looks like you started to say “turtle” and made it into a compound word with “mole-lancing” and then something in latin that I had to look up.

Score: 9.09; Total Votes: 2155 as of 2009-12-09.

I’d like to respectfully suggest that last week’s Victim cram it in an uncomfortable place.

Well, there IS a way to get your dead character’s lost items back, but … well, it ain’t pretty.

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