Wow, Project Gotham Guy has answers for everything.

I don’t know his real name, or where he’s from. But he’s logged into Xbox Live just about every night (except Federal Holidays) and he plays nothing but Project Gotham 2. He’s an amazing driver. And he wears his headset all the time.

…Right, that’s the thing! I mean, what good are headsets in racing games? Normally it’s like, “Hah hah, I owned you!” or “Hey let’s play on another map.” It’s not like there’s strategy to talk about. But, see, Project Gotham Guy talks all the time.

He has this … voice. Deep and soothing. Like an air traffic controller. Except he’s talking about cars. One time I was racing him, and I wiped it a couple of times. So his voice clicked into the chat channel, smooth like cream: “You’re a solid driver Dr_Smoove69, but that Honda S2000 is going to be squirrelly if you punch it every time you start to slide in a tight turn.”

“What do you mean?” I asked. “How can I keep this thing on the road?”

Project Gotham Guy was sedate, his voice like a Summer rain on soft grass. “You’ve got the best acceleration of this class. So don’t be afraid to let up off the gas going into the corners. Aim your nose into the curve. If you start to slide, that’s fine – stay calm. Don’t countersteer until you’re coming out of the curve, then gently nudge it over as you give it more gas. If you take it easy, you should come out of there without fishtailing, and gaining ground fast as well.”

I tried it on the next corner and flew out of the turn like a rocket. “Thank you, Project Gotham Guy!”

Someone asked that we change to the Washington DC map, and Project Gotham Guy obliged. Shortly after the race began, another voice clicked onto the chat channel. “Hey Project Gotham Guy?” he asked.

“What’s up JohnnyFla5h? Is that cat of yours losing weight?”

“He is, he is! That diet food you recommended is great. And I took your advice about his tartar problem, as well. But I meant to ask you about my girlfriend. Last night, she picked another fight with me. She didn’t let up until we got into a real howler, and then for a couple hours afterward I had to keep comforting her and assuring her we wouldn’t break up. She changes moods on a dime. What gives? Can I save this relationship?”

As we gunned it around a hairpin, tires squealing, Project Gotham Guy quietly hummed and then clicked his teeth. “I really can’t say for sure Johnny. Just from what you’ve told me, she sounds like she has a borderline personality disorder. What were her parents like? Divorced?”

“Yes!”

“…history of abusive boyfriends!”

“She’s talked about a couple, yah.”

“Okay, yes, I may be generalizing but it sounds like she’s never really had a stable relationship in her life. She’s going to be oversensitive and at the same time terrified of abandonment. And it’s going to be a real drain on you to keep dating her.” Project Gotham Guy traded paint with another car and they bumped one another on the straightaway, then he cautiously guided his car through a switchback in order to take the lead. “The best thing to do is to see if she can get help, maybe some counseling. Sad to say she’s really not ready for a relationship. You might need to break it off.”

“I think you’re right. I’ll try to talk with her, Project Gotham Guy.”

“And also, when you’re driving that Audi TT, you should feel free to be more aggressive on the corners. Your handling is one of your few advantages. Slam on the brakes before the turn and gun it once you hit the halfway point – really squeal the tires.”

“Thanks, Project Gotham Guy!”

Another voice butted in, the same guy who had insisted that we play on the Washington DC map. “Gotham Guy! Hey, Gotham Guy!” he shouted into his microphone with a hint of a southern drawl.

“Hi there GWB!” answered Project Gotham Guy, his serene voice cutting in above the roar of the engines as our cars screamed along Capitol hill. “Long time no see!”

The other player was all business. “You ‘member back last year when we was playin’ SOCOM Navy Seals together on the PS2? And we were talkin’ about that whole war thing?”

Project Gotham Guy’s tone didn’t change at all. “Oh yes, yes! Did you take my advice?”

“Well, no, now there’s all kinds of bombings and angry people and the oil ain’t paying for it. Now I’m trying to get everyone to help clean up but they’re all pissed, and the U.N. hates us, ‘specially the Frenchies.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“But what I really wanted to know is, how come my Z4 always loses ground on the loose corners? I’m punchin’ it on the way out, just like you said!”

“I think you’re braking too aggressively on the way into the corner, GWB. You just want to let up on the gas as you enter the turn. Loose corners like that can really work to your advantage with that car, and if you come in at the right speed, you can almost accelerate throughout the whole thing. Oh, and since you’re here, consider accelerating your plans for restoring an independent government in the country you just took over. It would help you on several fronts.”

The player muttered a quiet “thanks,” and he and I flew into a turn just like he described. The player’s wheels squealed, belching white smoke, as he accelerated around the bend and pulled ahead of me. “Yeee-haaw!” he yelled.

Suddenly, a burgundy-colored Audi TT smashed into the side of the Z4, slamming it against the guardrail where it spun out amidst the crunch of metal and whine of tires. “Rumsfeld you BITCH!” the player yelled into his headset. The driver of the Audi TT, a player named Rummy500, hissed something about “supposed to be using our code names.” An argument started to break out before the paternal voice of Project Gotham Guy brought everyone to a silence.

“Let me tell you how to powerslide, gentlemen…” he said, calm as a Kindergarten teacher.

And he did.


Victim Pic Small

I’m a better driver, thanks to Project Gotham Guy. Also, he helped me ace my Calculus exam.


Score: 9.04; Total Votes: 3402 as of 2009-12-09.


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