Nope, can’t play Call of Duty. Doctor’s Orders. You’ll have to do it for me.
Shut UP, Patrick! You’re my little brother, and mom said that so long as I have this wrist injury, YOU have to help me out around the house. So quit whining. You can play Viewtiful Joe after I’m better.
In the meantime, you have to play Call of Duty and do exactly as I say. What do you mean, WHY? Look at me! Look at this debilitating wrist injury! I’m just following Doctor’s orders. Don’t worry, you’ll like Call of Duty. It’s about this war that happened a long time ago, where the guys who spoke English teamed up with the Russians against the guys who spoke other languages. I think they were fighting to free the slaves.
Okay, click on “load game.” Now click on that one – no, down one – no, down – THERE! Click that! Okay, now, You’re a Russian, but you speak English with a Russian accent. I don’t know why, there’s a WAR going on, they probably didn’t have TIME to speak Russian.
Now, move forward! Press the “W” key! Shoot! Shoot the guy! With the mouse! Put the little “plus” sign on his forehead and push the mouse button! Okay, you’re dead, press F9 to reload. Now this time, don’t die! I’m telling you not to, and I’m your big brother.
Kill the Germans! Shoot the guy! Shoot the other guy! Shoot the guy behind that guy! Now shoot the other guy! Shoot the dude with the gun! Okay, now, THOSE Germans have a tank, so all you can do is huddle in this crater and pray to God for a cutscene. Why? Because in Russia only party members got tanks. Oh great, now you’re dead. Didn’t I tell you not to die? Why you gotta disobey your big brother?
[Daily Victim idea submitted by GameSpy reader Patton. Submit your own!]
OKay, it’s clear that you suck. Let’s play multiplayer, where you’ll blend in with the other smacktards. Hey, don’t you walk away! I’ll tell mom!
Score: 7.51; Total Votes: 2127 as of 2009-12-09.