My Contra-Honed Reflexes can defeat your piddly game in mere hours!

You heard me, billion-dollar game publisher! Your latest title is but a BREATHER to me, I can buzz through the whole thing between classes like I was playing a game of Windows Solitaire! Your new game that you spent three years of painstaking development time to produce is barely a speed bump to me. It’s over quicker than my parents having sex. I can rip through it like Sherman through Georgia. Hah hah!

To what do I owe my success? That’s right, I actually played through and beat Contra: Shattered Solider. It took my months to do. But now my Contra-honed reflexes eat up other games like they’re an appetizer. But a small appetizer, like the kind you get at fancy restaurants, where it’s like one bite of food on a big plate with sauce all dribbled decoratively over it. That’s what your game is: barely a mouthful! A nibble!

After beating Contra, lesser games look like sceensavers to me!

I can beat your game in less time than it takes to install it! I can beat your game in less time than it would take the opening cinematic to play! I played through the entire third level during a single stifled yawn. I scratched my nose during the fourth level and missed the whole thing. IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!?

[Victim idea inadvertently posted in the forums by GameSpy reader Max Damage. But you, of course, should submit your idea here.]


Victim Pic Small

I can beat your game with a sandwich in one hand! In fact, I’d finish the game before I finished the sandwich!


Score: 7.86; Total Votes: 2251 as of 2009-12-09.


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