I will be brutally honest. There’s no way you look like your Tiger Woods 2004 character.

It’s true, the new “Face Maker” dealie in the EA Sports games is killer. I love it. But that – that guy on the screen? He does not look like you.

Now, it’s true that the hairstyle is very much like yours. And the clothes – I’ll give you the clothes – you do have a red tee-shirt identical to that. And jeans. You are, in fact, wearing jeans. However, your assertion that the character you’ve built is “chiseled” just like you is, in a word, ludicrous.

The man on the screen is, indeed, chiseled. Like a Greek statue. You, on the other hand, are kinda molded, like a pile of wet clay that has slowly sunk, as a glob, into your easy chair.

The man on the screen has biceps of 36-inches and a 22-inch waist. You combine those numbers into a 58-inch waistline. However, both you and the man on the screen ARE wearing white sweatbands on your head. That much is clear. However, his is considerably smaller. You, my friend, are like the real-life equivalent of a “big head” cheat mode.

The man on the screen has huge calves and a rippling chest. You have a huge tummy that ripples whenever your controller vibrates. The man on the screen is now doing the robot. Please don’t try to prove your point to me by standing and doing the robot – no don’t – I’m begging you not to attempt the robot. Your attempt to robot looks like Fred Flintstone undergoing a Pokémon-induced epileptic seizure. You’ve just crushed the coffee-table. What was once merely sad has turned into a tragedy of Oedipal proportions, from which I am unable to avert my eyes as though you are a grisly walking car accident. If said accident involved a robot. Who is pear-shaped. And retarded.

[Daily Victim idea submitted by GameSpy reader and – I feel obliged to add, SUPER GENIUS – Mark Allenbach.]


Victim Pic Small

My horror is only mitigated by the fact that you do not currently possess a large, dangerous golf-club.


Score: 8.35; Total Votes: 2230 as of 2009-12-09.


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