EGAH! It’s the most feared Sith Lord of any of the Star Wars Galaxies servers!

The developers told us that it would be months before any players developed Jedi powers. But they didn’t take into account the machinations of a player named Phearme Leetdude, known around my server as Darth Smacktard.

Whereas Darth Vader wore a mask of evil and spoke with the voice of James Earl Jones, Darth Smacktard wears a mask of stupidity and speaks with numbers. His visage is terrifying, his long black cloak dragging across the floor in his wake, parting to reveal that he wears a belt but no pants.

I had but one brush with the horror. My Rebel friends and I were sitting in the Cantina when he emerged from the rear entrance. He was locked in auto-run and listed as being away from keys. For a full terrifying minute he ran in place, his nose pushed against the wall by the bar, while stunned patrons gasped and whispered.

At last he stopped running, turned off his AFK flag, and turned to face the room. “D0000000d,” he said, pointing at a Master Musician who cowered in fear behind his instrument. “D000d, im ur faaaather.” Then, he pulled out a light saber. “Letz dool i will ownzge u!”

Naturally the musician ran in terror, and I fear that Darth Smacktard would’ve hunted him down to the death, had he not gone link dead. He stood, motionless, light-saber in hand, for a couple of minutes before he returned to us and typed “OMFG!” a couple of times. Then he killed an NPC and typed “lolololol.”

By this time, the terrified patrons of the Cantina had cleared out – all but me. I was fascinated by the grim spectacle. But then the dreaded figure turned and faced me, staring at me head on with those cold, cold eyes. He walked toward me, one slow step at a time: Clump … clump … clump… until at last he loomed in my monitor, filling my screen. His light saber still flickered menacingly. He looked down at me and finally spoke:

“a/s/l?” He asked.

With a bloodcurdling scream, I too fled the city – lucky, I wager, to be alive.


Victim Pic Small

If only there was a Jedi of the light side to protect us – someone representing justice, truth, peace … grammar…


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