My original plan was to set this wedding reception alight by overclocking the Electric Slide…
…but what I didn’t anticipate was the sweltering heat of a June wedding. I’d long known that overheating was a potential problem ever since I overclocked my mechanical pencil – one click and it shot molten lead from the tip like a laser beam, puncturing through a concrete wall, before the flames engulfed it. They laughed when I said I could overclock anything, but I made it happen!
For the wedding I anticipated the heating problems in advance and strapped pressurized icepacks to my legs and thighs. I was, what you would call, “Liquid cooled.” I also drank a great deal of ice-cold Georgia sweet tea, so much so that I shattered one of the urinals shortly before lunch was served.
But delay after delay hampered my ability to overclock the electric slide. First, the bride and groom had to “cut the cake.” This took forever. “Give me ten minutes to overclock a pair of electric clippers,” I shouted, “And I’ll turn that cake to liquid in under 2.65 seconds!” My irritability may have been due to the fact the pressurized icepacks had melted and that my pants now “squished” when I walked.
At long last the pomp was finished, the cake was eaten, and that little birdie dance was over with. The Electric Slide began! I took my place alongside the groomsmen, guests, and bridesmaids to take part in my masterpiece firsthand. Sweat caked my forehead – I was beginning to overheat.
But once the DJ started the music I reached into my pocket and pulled out my remote control. I’d already overclocked the DJ’s audio equipment in secret the night before so that it was capable of producing amplification that would kill nearby vegetation and tear the paint off a building. It also enabled it to play music at up to 30 times the tempo of standard audio playback equipment, without losing any fidelity. But I started off simple, for the benefit of my non-overclocked companions: merely quadrupling the volume and speed of the Electric Slide song. It was my gift to the bride and groom.
Immediately the people in tuxedos and evening gowns on either side of me fell to the floor, such was the power and rhythm of my overclocked slide. While the guests screamed and plates of food overturned, I tore up that floor in regular geometric patterns, leaving angled scuff marks of burned rubber in my wake. I clapped my hands and lighting fixtures exploded.
You can’t see it – It’s electric! (Boogey oogie woogy.)
But the exertion of the perfect slide was proving too much for my jury-rigged coolant system. Steam began pouring from my pants as I danced. “Look out! He’s smoking!” someone cried. As the song reached its climax, I whirled around, then pointed to the ceiling, John Travolta style. By this time, great puffs of white sizzling steam erupted from my belt and pantlegs. “This is for the Bride and Groom!” I cried.
I think I woulda had them right there, possibly a standing ovation, except at that particular moment the coolant system burst and my pants “sprung a leak” at an inappropriate location. People gasped and screamed. “It’s okay!” I said. “It’s O…K!” Then, my pants sprung a second leak, which caused several people to pass out.
[The return of the overclocker was suggested by several readers, but GeneStarwind was the first to suggest that he overheat. Keep those ideas coming!]
Bah. Whenever I get married, I’m going to overclock the whole wedding party. The ceremony will be over in ten minutes and our first overclocked child will be born one month thereafter.
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