No, sir. The Tingle is armed, and almost definitely dangerous. I think he’s got a bomb.

Sir, yah sir, I understand that an’ all. We here at NorWest Security don’t normally have a policy of requestin’ backup. But I’d like to make an exception. As you know, I do not carry a gun. Furthermore, the lights on top of my cruiser are not actually hooked up. In fact, to make siren noises, I roll down the window and yell “wooo.” For these reasons, my ability to intimidate unlawfuls is whatcha call lacking.

So I ask what I’m s’pose to do with this one: We have a man in a pointy costume thing who appears to have run amok. Haven’t you been listening to the scanner?

That’s right, I was called on the scene when he tripped off the silent alarm at the 7-11. Apparently he came in there with some sort of bowling-ball sized bomb with a sparking fuse and demanded a multi-colored “Magical” slurpee. Called himself “Tingle.” Guy behind the counter says he had no choice but to do what the little man said. Yes, that’s right sir, he gave him a slurpee. No sir, I don’t reckon’ it was magic, I think it was just one of them normal slurpees. ‘Cept he prolly mixed all kinds of flavors up, like a rainbow. That’s what I would do is all I’m saying.

By the time I got here – yelling “woo” out the window as loud as I could, I’ll swear on the Bible – I caught the tail end of him jingling off into the woods. He took one look at me, threw some confetti in the air, and said “Fwoop.” That’s a fwoop, sir. F-W-O-O-P I’d imagine, but I didn’t ask. And then he was off into the woods screaming something about Zelda and taking away his Tingle Tuner. I think he said “Fairy Boy will have hell to pay.”

No sir. I do not believe he is an Iraqi.

Well, wait, hol’ on. That’s just what I did: I engaged in pursuit. Right up into the woods – dark in there, I’ll tell you something. But then he turned to face me and I saw he was armed. I think he had a boomerang.

That kind of situation calls for backup, you know what I’m saying? I ain’t facin’ down no pointy little men with potentially lethal weapons, when alls I got is a walkie talkie. I’m saying, you and me, we call in the SWAT team. Can I get a little support for that idea? Thankya kindly.


Victim Pic Small

Hmm, the SWAT team won’t answer? Well, can’t we call in some kind of Special Forces? Maybe one of them British SAS teams. Yeh, I understand we’re not in what you’d call Britain proper. But – okay, I’ll shush.


Score: 8.42; Total Votes: 1764 as of 2009-12-09.


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What did you do to Steve? I saw him taking off in his Tingle outfit, weeping and carrying a grappling hook and a weed eater.

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In order to find a Tingle, you need to start THINKING like a Tingle.

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