MY New Year’s Resolution revolves around the cheese-grating-like decimation of you, and all your stupid Elves!
I’m sick and tired of my Warcraft III skillz getting ground into the dirt by random Internet strangers. Playing a game is like bending over for the prison soap. But not in 2003!
I resolve that my Undead shall reign triumphant!
I resolve that my Ghouls will pour forth like lube at a porno shoot, crunching your sorry little trees underfoot like peanut shells on the floor of a Texas barbecue.
I resolve that my Meat Wagons will usher forth a new era of horror, a flesh-flaying feast of maggots whipping through the air like hail in a trailer park.
I resolve that those few who survive the charge of my Death Knight will shrivel like raisins in the sun under the crushing follow-up blow from my Abominations, their mangled corpses driven into the ground like tent pegs, depriving the soil of fertility for generations to come.
I resolve that my Dread Lord will kick your stupid tree’s ass. If your tree does not in fact possess an ass – and I suspect as much – he will first create one. Then he will lodge a boot in it. I resolve to LAUGH, aloud, no matter how often this spectacle is repeated.
I also resolved to quit smoking. This probably explains all my pent-up rage.
I should also stop pushing children off of bicycles, but A MAN CAN’T CHANGE OVERNIGHT.
Okay screw it. Hand me a cigarette. One out of two ain’t bad. Hey kid! Yeah, you on the bike! Get over here!
Score: 8.51; Total Votes: 1992 as of 2009-12-09.