I’ll never understand the fixation with my dad’s unorthodox Battlfield 1942 tactics.

Last week when I told you all about my dad’s unusual Battlefield 1942 tactics I didn’t expect there would be so much interest in how this old Desert Storm war veteran would play the game. Yah. He’s a real piece of work, all right. So, uh, this weekend I thought I’d take the time to have him answer your questions.

Dear Kevin’s Dad: I loved your advice for taking out a sniper. How do you recommend defending a base?

Kevin: Okay, look, my dad really isn’t into the whole “defense” thing. He says the best defense involves Tomahawk missiles launched secretly from submarines. Who’s next?

Dear Kevin’s Dad: Me and some friends were playing on the Berlin map, and the Soviets had two tanks shoulder-to-shoulder shelling our last flag. How would you have handled that?

Kevin: Well, you have to understand the way my dad plays Battlefield. See, he’s never NOT an American. So he’d tell you, “Let as many of those [censored] nazis and commie scum kill as many of each other as possible.” For this reason, he’d advise you to teamkill if you were winning.

Dear Kevin’s Dad: Back before World War II, Japan was a mighty empire that was busy crushing Asia with one boot and still had enough energy left over to elbow-drop the U.S. in the Pacific. Recently I just visited that country and, as far as I can tell, now all they do is draw really weird cartoons and sell porn on every corner store. Have we done a terrible thing?

Kevin: Oh … wow. Good question. I’d better ask my dad, himself. Dad?

Kevin’s Dad: Listen up, crazy Internet sonofabitch. Porn is the American way! Now that the cold war is over and done with, we can begin our manifest destiny of spreading porn to every corner of the globe, one sand-drenched porno-deprived country at a time. Sweet, sweet Liberty!

Kevin: Yeah, that’s just … uh, that’s great dad.

Kevin’s Dad: We’ll start with these pictures of your mom.

Kevin: Cut it out!

Kevin’s Dad: It’s all right son. We’re divorced. She’s only your mother on weekends.


Victim Pic Small

Dad likes to play Battlefield with the mouse in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.


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