Kids, there will be no “Super Guinea Pig Ball” in this house. Let me explain.

I can understand, maybe even appreciate your freakish delight in Super Monkey Ball, but let me explain a few key differences between the video game and what you’re proposing to do with Marty the family Guinea Pig.

First of all, kids, let me tell you something about Monkeys. They’re crazy little schmucks, all of ‘em. They probably love being shoved inside of balls and rolled down, say, staircases or driveways decorated with cinder-block obstacles. Hell, kids, I’d say they live for it. You find me a monkey, I’ll make you a ball. That’s right.

But Guinea Pigs are gentler animals. Do you know why that is, kids? Because, in the animal kingdom, Guinea Pigs are known as “food.” So, the idea of being in a clear plastic bubble is, in their eyes, not that different from sitting in the business end of a salad bar. Furthermore, they don’t have flexible limbs capable of maneuvering the proposed Super Guinea Pig Ball. I guarantee Marty would just sorta flail around until he got lodged under the mini-van.

In short? The only balls Marty’s ever going to have in this house are the two that God gave ‘em. Now go back and play Nintendo.


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[Reader note: The Daily Victim in no way advocates the non-digital tormenting of monkeys. Thank you.]


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