McDonald’s Play Palace gives me unlimited access to small, easily-beatable Super Smash Bros. opponents
That’s right, all Summer I’ve been hanging out here at Mickey-D’s inside the garish pink, purple, and green Play Palace. Did you know they have free video games here now? The sign says limit 10 minutes per customer, but if any of these little twerps complain I just suplex ‘em into the ball chamber. “Winner stays!” I yell, before hitting them with the elbow drop.
Because here, man, I’m a GOD. Sure, the game consoles are so low that I have to get down on my knees to properly hold the controls, but here at Harbor Park McDonald’s I am undefeated at Super Smash Bros. Melee. Here, watch my skillz:
What’s your name, kid? Mikey? You’re in what, second grade? Oh, going into third? Big man! Do you know how to play this game? Okay, right, the big green button tries to punch me. I say “try” because you’re about to FAIL! That’s right, I’m the big monkey. I just punched you in the face. What’s that? What’s that? You want some more? More for Mikey? Okay, let me show you how to use the baseball bat. BAM! I just knocked you so far off the board it’s embarrassing. Gonna cry, Mikey? Gonna cry? Gonna squirt some? I can’t hear you crying because I DON’T LISTEN TO LOSERS. Now step off, dinky. The kid with the diaper wants some of me, and I plan to beat him down so hard his parents will have bruises.
Yeah, so where was I? Oh yeah, this place is great. All the video games I can play and cheeseburgers when I’m hungry.
Tomorrow I think I’ll come in dressed as Ronald and really mess with their little heads.
Kid, you gonna drink that shake? Wrong answer, give it here.
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