The Army has a videogame? Big deal, the ‘CIA Black Ops’ game has been out for years. In secret.

Agent Harwood? Make sure this man doesn’t have any bugs on him. Clean? Good. I won’t put you under NDA for what I’m about to tell you, because frankly, if you breathe a word about this to anyone, you’ll be dead before the proper legal channels could be put into motion. Now then.

This upcoming U.S. Army game is nothing. In fact, it crossed my desk for approval. We’ve already had a similar program in place for years, used to train our black ops department.

Why, yes, the CIA game is completely free. And no, of course it’s not publicized. We don’t give out Licenses to Kill without making people work for ‘em, why would we place our games in the public domain? No, the downloads are stored in secret vaults underneath Langley with carefully scripted security holes. Qualified applicants are expected to hack into the mainframe like the versatile operatives we need. Once they download the game, they’re tracked by the agency just like all the other Windows users since ‘95. We measure their performance in special game modes like “assassinate third world leaders” “securing remaining smallpox samples” and of course the ever-popular “Kennedy” mod. Believe me, we make Counter-Strike look like Kirby’s Dreamland.

Those who perform well in the game, regardless of base system specs and pings, are contacted by field agents. Faking the deaths is the fun part. Once they’ve severed all ties with their civilian life candidates undergo rigorous training in our cement bunker deep beneath Graceland. We liquidate those who don’t do well and take the others to our moon base. From there we dominate Internet gaming such that –

What’s that? You don’t believe we have a moon base? You say our network pings would be terrible from the moon? I see. I see. What if I were to tell you that the ping time from the moon to the earth was really only 50ms, and that we’ve been artificially inflating the pings of the rest of the world all along so that we always have the edge? Impossible, you say…? Which is more probable: That a tiny computer network operated by the defense department “just happened” to grow into a ubiquitous worldwide vehicle for commerce and entertainment in just a couple of decades through the actions of a bunch of disorganized civilians? OR … that we’ve controlled the Internet … ALL ALONG. That’s right. I thought so.

You’re free to go.


Victim Pic Small

Get this clown out of here and bring in my moon boots.


Score: 8.37; Total Votes: 1912 as of 2009-12-09.


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