I swear I saw some Blizzard Programmers eating lunch at El Pollo Loco yesterday
No man, I’m serious. Blizzard Entertainment – you know, the guys who make Diablo and Warcraft n’stuff? Yeah, they were sitting there eating chicken. Right next to me! It goes down like this: Me and Chaps (you know, Chaps? Dude with the chapped lips who lives upstairs?) were heading over to El Pollo Loco (“CRAZY EFFIN’ CHICKEN!”) for lunch. I get the combo, white meat, WHAMS. I sit down, and I see that one of the guys sitting at the booth beside mine – he has long hair and he’s wearing this shirt with a big picture of an Orc on it.
I start to get that suspicious tingling, you know, the tingles that come when some whack biz is coming down. So I lean over to Chaps. I say, “I think those dudes are from Blizzard.” You know. BLIZZARD. They make games that HARDEN CROTCHES. I shove over Chaps’s chicken and lean my head against the booth, right? I want to hear the DETAILS. I want to hear about ORCS who RUN DOWN HILLS and then HIT THINGS with HAMMERS. ‘cuz that’s what orcs do.
I don’t make the rules, man, I just calls ‘em like they happen.
But the dudes from Blizzard – and let me tell you, I KNOW they were from Blizzard, ‘cuz at least half of ‘em have “Programmer hair” – they’re talking about cars. Not Orcs. Not Dwarves. Not Zombies. Not even a hydralisk. They’re talking about Ferraris and like whack ass Hummers n’stuff. Dude like I CARE about FERRARIS! I wanted to hear them talkin’ about cheat codes or something.
So I says, “CHAPS!” (But I says it in a whisper, like: “chaps!”) I says, “Say something about Orcs.” So Chaps is like, “I love Orcs.” But he’s practically whispering, so I’m saying, Chaps, make it HAPPEN. So he stands up and says, “I’m going to get some butter. And… ORCS.” But the Blizzard dudes are still talking about cars, so I’m making the “pump up the volume” gesture with my hands. Like this:
[Makes completely unidentifiable gesture with hands]
So Chaps says, “I wish ORCS would SLATHER MY BELLY with DELICIOUS BUTTER.” By then, like, everyone in the restaurant is looking at him. Except the dudes from Blizzard. It was a complete bonage.
Anyways, they all get up and leave. I’m watching them leave through the plate glass window, right? I feel like life just gave me a shot to the junk, ‘cuz none of them invited me back to their place to chill and get free betas and stuff. So I pound on the glass. “WHERE THE HELL IS STARCRAFT II!?” I yell at their cars.
That’s how I got thrown out of the Crazy Chicken.
That noise you hear is the incredible NARD SUCKING that is my life. I am crapping you not.
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