A woman can’t let true love stand in the way of mad skillz.

Some women are born with supermodel bodies, I was born with mad Super Smash Brothers skillz. I didn’t ask for them. I got them shortly after puberty. I was alone in my room, I decided to pick up the N64 and put in my brothers’ cartridge, then I started to play and WHAMS! I became a woman.

The secret’s stayed with me until now, my second year at college. My boyfriend got Super Smash Brothers Melee for the GameCube, and I couldn’t help but destroy him. The Princess and me, we got that … that special mojo, or something. I don’t even have to think about it – next thing I know my boyfriend is flying off the map, hollering.

Guys are weird. He acts like it hurts his manhood. I want to ask him, “Why don’t you just suck it up?” but instead I just hit him with turnips and knock him off the map. This brought on a huge fight. I can’t say I was too happy with him going into the weekend, which is where the trouble began.

This weekend we were having a big party. Jake was invited – he’s supposedly a God at these games. We even invited that freaky fanboy so that we’d have four players. So to cut a long story short, Jake arrives and he might as well have “Hot Mofo” written all over his arms and chest. The guy’s BUILT. We sit down to play, and I make sure I’m sitting next to him. He even smelled nice.

So we start to play. Smash Brothers, of course. The game is fast, and it’s ugly. Luigi was flying all over the map like Yoda. Jake was picking people up and throwing them around like ragdolls. Now, here’s the thing: I knew that if I brought on the hurt, he’d get all weird on me, then he’d have to act macho so he wasn’t embarrassed in front of all the guys. So I thought I’d purposely lose, and then giggle, then get him to show me how to hold the controller – the usual deal. Ladies, you know how it works, am I right?

Everything was going according to plan: I was low on health, only Jake’s Donkey Kong and I remained, the match was nearly over, Jake had casually slid closer to me on the couch, and then … the hammer fell onto the screen. The big giant Donkey Kong hammer, also known in my circles as “The H-Bomb.” What’s a girl to do? Was I fighting for love, or something deeper? I … I couldn’t stop myself. I screamed “Suck on it, monkey!” and grabbed the hammer. I slammed him off of the map like a Pinata at a parade.

The screaming deep inside me was probably my ovaries wailing in protest. The screams on the outside were from me pointing to Jake’s face and yelling “0WNED!” while my pretty pink Princess danced and giggled on the screen. I guess, what I’m trying to say is … sometimes you can’t let love hold you back.


Victim Pic Small

Show a man some skin and he’s yours for life. Hit him in the face with a giant turnip and he gets all weird on you.


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