Failure to Drink Your Milk Will Result in Enormous Tentacles Devouring Your Body Whole
How long have you sat there playing that Nintendo? Don’t you have homework? Do you know what time it is? I don’t care if you’re about to find the secret Yoshi level. You skipped lunch, didn’t you? No, a handful of pepperoni and a Mountain Dew does not constitute lunch.
I think it’s about time we made something clear. Just because I am your stepmother does not mean I am not concerned for your welfare. My last eight stepchildren would vouch for this, were they not eaten alive, screaming and squirting blood like punctured balloons.
You see, living beneath the soil, just below the worms, lies a wrinkled brain-beast who has as many eyes as I have hair on my head. His job is to devour humans alive, but he has no teeth. Just tentacles and gums. And he mashes people to death, screaming, until he can filter them through his siphon-like esophagus. For him, milk is a terrible, terrible poison. That’s why I drink it all the time.
Understand that the noises you hear in the basement are the brain-beast. Also, whenever you close your eyes, he’s sneaking up behind you. He has severed eyestalks that live in your closet at night, watching you. Furthermore, he hates pro wrestling. Oh, and it scares him off when you let me play Tetris.
But fortunately, you aren’t a helpless little boy! You’re not being masticated within his oozing maw, caked with the pasty remains of mashed foes past, and you may yet live. If you drink your milk. Whoa – hold on – is that Yoshi? How did you find Yoshi? Do it again!
Hang on, lemme light up a cigarette and I’ll tell you more about the brain-beast. Did I mention that he lays his eggs inside of bags of M&Ms? Stop crying. Oh, now it’s time to play Tetris, you say? I’m game.
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