Deciphering the damn Jedi Starfighter backstory is like reading the A&E channel

I was excited about the Jedi Starfighter game for the PS2 because Samuel L. Jackson is on the cover. And, as we all know, the “L” in Samuel L. Jackson stands for “I will whoop your ass.” So anyways, I get home, I rip open the wrapping, the big sticker, the little sticker, and finally get into the game. I will now quote to you directly from the manual:

“As the political tension between the Republic and the secessionist movement led by Count Dooku intensifies, Dooku makes a secret deal with Captain Cavik Toth, a young ambitious ally of the Trade Federation who hopes to take control of the resource-rich Karthakk system.”

What? Tension between who? With the what? And the Count? Of the who? Making the deal with the hunh? Allied with the What? What the HELL is going on here!? Just tell me who the frickin’ bad guys are! Compare it to the beginning of the original Star Wars movie:

“It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire. During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.”

Ho yeah! Now see, I GET that. The rebels are good, because it says right there: the Empire is Evil! And the Death Star can destroy an entire planet. What more do you need to know? NOTHING! YOU KNEW EXACTLY WHICH ACTION FIGURES TO BUY! YOU WERE DUMB! AND HAPPY!

But now I’m trying to fly my spaceship and I got Dookie and Windu and Freedo and Master Gollum and the alien pirate Nym and Chunky and Sauce and the rest of the Whassup gang all barking orders at me that I have to save Planet K-mart from Cleveland. What the hell is going on!? I AM SO CONFUSED! Just point me at some evil robots or something!

Man, if I wanted learn stupid political stuff about aliens, I woulda been a Star Trek fan instead.


Victim Pic Small

Hang on, before you play I’ve provided you with this easy to use quick-reference card.


Score: 7.76; Total Votes: 1487 as of 2009-12-09.


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