If They Bring Back the Daily Victim, I Promise – I’ll Wax More than My Hands
Do you remember me? That’s right, I’m the guy who waxes his hands when he plays Tony Hawk.
Originally I waxed my hands in order to bust out million-point combos. I didn’t think I could make a career out of it until Fargo approached me and asked if I’d like to be featured as a Daily Victim. “Hellz yes,” I said, and we shook on it – somewhat sloppily, needless to say.
That began my whirlwind career. After my story was posted, I started getting fan mail from around the country. I scored a lucrative SexWax sponsorship deal. I was in parades. And the chicks – oh yes, I got the chicks.
My later cameo in the victim who’s contact-lenses dry up in his eyes only cemented my role as a Victim legacy. At that point, I took a trophy wife, started talking with Hollywood about a movie deal, the works. I’d walk down the street and people would ask to feel my hands. As I drove by kids on scooters would stop, point to me, point to their palms, and give the thumbs up. I was a hero to men.
But then the Daily Victims stopped. Something about a missing artist. Something about the writer getting laid – or maybe it was married – I’m not sure which. Whatever the excuse, it was UNACCEPTABLE!
So now, to the meat of my argument. Listen up, gaming world. Listen up, Fargo. Bring back the Daily Victim. Bring it back. Find a new illustrator. And if you do, I won’t just wax my hands … that’s right … I’LL WAX MY ENTIRE BODY. Yep. Yep, even “there.”
I’ll wax on wax off, Miyagi style.
I’ll wax my ass. I’ll wax poetic. You name it, I’ll wax that bitch.
So if you’ve got pen and ink comic illustration skills, Mail Fargo. Me, my trophy wife, and my wax are waiting.
[Throughout the voting this victim silently, intently, smears a playstation 2 controller with rich creamy sex wax.]
Score: 6.71; Total Votes: 632 as of 2009-12-09.