First My Gut! Will My Tribes Skillz Be Next?

Look – look at this! It’s … sagging! At first I thought with glee that an alien was going to emerge from my stomach but it turns out that I’m just gaining weight. I haven’t gained weight since I finished my 9th grade growth spurt. Now look at me. I can’t even roll the chair toward my desk without a big ol’ roll of fat clomming up the keyboard tray.

This is disgusting. I have to suck in my gut to play Tribes 2. Oh – oh look, the screen is blurry. My eyes are going! I can’t remember where I was going to plant this spike turret – I think I’m going senile. Did my thumb just crack as I pressed the mouse button for my grenade launcher? Did it? I’m getting arthiritic! Turn the volume up, I think I’m losing my ears.

It’s all growing dim. Look at my poor, poor reflexes. I bet I have colon cancer. Did someone just fling a mortar at me or am I getting a cataract? No loud noises please! My heart! My weak heart! Man, as soon as a guy hits 23 he just falls apart, you know what I’m saying?


Victim Pic Small

I can’t imagine how this is happening. Hey, pass me another slice of pizza and an MGD, eh?


Score: 6.4; Total Votes: 1591 as of 2009-12-09.


Previous
The Tireless Work of Men like Me Keeps Atari’s ‘E.T.’ from Falling into the Wrong Hands

Next
The Search for a New Daily Victim Artist Begins

Back To Index


Links In This Article