Despite All Efforts My Pet Cow Has Completed a Long Slow Harrowing Descent into Depravity
I have moral issues with the game Black and White, where you attempt to woo villages with your Godhood and raise an enormous pet in your image. When I think of the game I recall only a series of bugs and tedium. However, thanks to my piss-poor job as a DSL technical support operator, I can only afford one PC game a year, and this one was it. Amidst this strife and suffering, there was but one thing that kept me going: My pet Black and White Cow, Moomoo.
Oh sweet Moomoo! I raised her lovingly in my benevolent arms – er – hand icon. My hope was, in a world riddled with bugs and frustrating control schemes, that Moomoo would be my shining ray of goodness. I trained her well. I showed her the light. I showed her how to live and love and care and snuggle. Each day I showed up to work, booted up Black and White as I turned on my telephone, and Moomoo provided a ray of sunshine into my dreary cubicle-world.
Then one day I forgot to hit “pause” as I went to get a sandwich. I returned to find Moomoo randomly uprooting trees and lacksidaisicly tossing them toward the village. “Bad Moomoo!” I scolded, gently thwacking her across the face. She hung her head in shame. I thought lessons had been learned, and goodness would return to the land. But Moomoo … reared in love … she never recovered from the slappage.
She began shuffling about, moping. She started kicking things idly when I wasn’t looking. I was losing my baby! One day I turned my back for a moment to answer the phone. When I looked up at my monitor, I witnessed the horror.
[Telephone Transcript Follows]
“You’ve reached InterNetnet DSL. This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes. Now, this is for a residential account?”
Yes! Yes, I cut my connection! I have no email! No ICQ! No web! Nothing!
“Hang on a moment … what? Wait – WHAT?
…I cut my connection. What can I do?
“YOU JUST SHAT ON THE VILLAGE SQUARE YOU MISERABLE RAT-FACED CLOVEN-HOOFED TURD!”
Oh please don’t be mad at me – I’m really sorry, I didn’t know it was going to be this big of a deal…
“You son of a bitch! After all I’ve done for you!”
I know, your service has been so good. I’m sorry! I really, really am.
“I’ll beat you! I will SLAP YOUR ASS SO HARD YOUR LITTLE BRAYING HEAD WILL SPIN!” [Sounds of beating and frantic pained mooing are heard.]
[Weeping] Please, please stop! I didn’t mean to do it! …what are you doing?
[The furious beating of a cow is audible over the screams and mooing]
No … no don’t hurt the animals! I didn’t mean it. I was mad at my roommate playing Day of Defeat instead of cleaning the fridge and–
“You were my SUNSHINE?! Do you know that? You were my SUNSHINE and now you’re a miserable flailing FAILURE! I disown you!”
I … I didn’t realize you’d take it so personally. I’m SO SORRY! I’ll never cut my DSL again! Sign me up for a five year contract – no, ten years! Just please forgive me!
“No, no, this can’t go on. We’re through, you mangy animal! Through.” [Tech support hangs up, weeping.]
What am I going to play for the rest of the year!? Oh, hang on … wasn’t I in the middle of a call? Hmm.
Score: 9.18; Total Votes: 2744 as of 2009-12-09.