Thanks to Unreal Tournament, I Was Kicked Out of the S.A.T. Exams
It was during the math part of the exam. When I wasn’t playing Unreal Tournament the past couple of months I had studied like a madman, right? But, you know, my nerves and number twos were frayed. I got through the first page and I was sweating bullets. I was certain I was going to get owned. It was only gonna get tougher, you know?
But, the next page started with some trigonometry. You know, “figure out the side of a right triangle” stuff. Total cake. I practically figured it out in my head. The second one was also easy – I hardly needed to take notes, it was just like an exponential question that was in my study guide. “KILLING SPREE!” I thought to myself.
The next question looked like it was going to be tough – it was one of those word problems featuring a spoon factory and machines stamping out spoons at different rates. At first it looked like I’d have to spend fifteen minutes algerbrizizing that stuff, but then I looked at the answers, eliminated a couple, and figured out what the answer was with logic. “RAMPAGE!” I mouthed, silently pumping my fist.
I was on a roll. The next question was cake. I had to find the average of all the even integers between -5 and 7. Those bastards were trying to fool me into leaving out the zero. I wasn’t fooled. I marked down the answer and realized that I was already halfway through the section and riding on an almost perfect score. “DOMINATING!” I whispered to myself.
Then came the quantitative comparisons. I’d had a lot of trouble with these while studying but the ones in the test were just like my examples. Two more questions down, a near perfect score, with plenty of time left. I leaned over and rasped “UNSTOPPABLE!!” to the kid next to me. He kinda looked freaked out. I dunno.
Next page. I was almost through. Whammo – really tough word problem. Big paragraph of text. I wrote down like six different equations. This one had it all. I thought I needed to just skip it and move on … but, would I stop a killing spree in Unreal Tournament, just cuz some guy might kill me? No, no I wouldn’t! And I was hurling through this test like a loaded eightball. I snapped my pencil point trying to figure it out, but you know, it was really just some square roots. I figured out an answer, looked at the choices, and there it was. I had it! I had it!
I leapt out of my seat, sending pencils flying in every direction. “GGGOOODDDLLIIIKKKEEE!!” I hollered at the top of my lungs. Kids were screaming and hitting the floor in a panic.
They didn’t even give me a chance to try the English section.
A camper is holding a rocket launcher that holds eight rockets. Two chumps below him are running for a single shield belt. Assuming they get there in five seconds, and it takes one second to load each rocket, and the camper can hit someone 25% of the time, will the camper kill the chumps?
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