The Exploding Toilet Was the Best Part of Lethal Weapon 3
Like you, I play a lot of videogames. Did you notice, nowdays, that as games begin to rely on realistic environments, they more and more frequently contain a toilet? Like me, I’m certain that you’ve tried to destroy any toilet you find in a game. Yet time and time again, the toilet is indestructable.
This should come as no surprise. Our society has some sort of sick obsession with the purity and infallability of our porcelin gods. I don’t know why it is – perhaps its because our naked naughty bits are always touching them, so we feel the need to believe that they are inheriently flawless.
My eyes were first opened to the problem when I watched the movie “Lethal Weapon 3,” starring Bruce Willis and that Oedipus dude from the Matrix. In one scene, paramont to the film, the hero is nearly killed by a bomb planted in his toilet. Oh, sure, he survives – but, in a moment of profundity, the toilet itself is blown out of the house where it lands, smouldering, on the street.
I had found my calling.
I started off like many of us do, with little hit and run attacks. Cherry bombs in the college dormatory bathrooms, that sort of thing. Later on, I graduated to plastique. I studied the archaic arts of plumbing and sanitation. Soon I was capable of field-stripping an American Standard urinal in under 21 seconds, and my determination to overthrow the porcelocracy grew as fast as my knowledge expanded. After school I would take the occasional odd job as a security guard in order to scope out and destroy new toilets in previously inaccessable areas.
One day I discovered that the Hall of Famous Inventors in Akron, Ohio was exhibiting a state of the art toilet with heated seats, motorized height adjustment, and blowdryer capability. Fate drew me to Akron to complete my destiny. Using this toilet as an example, I would begin a revolution that would sweep the world, that would show the pathetic masses that their crisp shiny white idols were no less human than they were.
Dressed in tights with my underwear on the outside, I outwitted their shameful security precautions and dangled with ease above the toilet from a displaced ceiling tile. I lowered myself down between the laser security grid and filled the bowl full of explosives. I chose to use 50kg of GeoGel gelatin seismic dynamite both for its superior water resistance and maximum visual effect.
Security guards caught me on the way out, but by then it was too late. “Observe my moment of triumph!” I cried as they cuffed me. “Behold the grim humbling of your former tyrant!”
With those very words, the mighty toilet shattered in a roaring arc of powedered porcelin and twirling mechanical innards. Windows burst into sparkling showers of glass from the pressure wave and the very floor shook with the fury of the titan’s demise. Victory was mine!
Afterwards the cops admitted it was pretty cool and let me go.
Ah! Another vote cast for the call of freedom! My friend, I tell you this – once you discover the miracles of aloe and cedar chips, you will learn that your dependance on toilets is a mockery! Game developers – please, please. Two words: destructable toilets.
Score: 8.05; Total Votes: 1583 as of 2009-12-09.