I Ask That, before You Use My 1000-Watt Simulated Racing Seat, You Please Use the Potty.
Gather round everyone, gather round and listen up. Your regular tournament host, Tony Kawai, met with an unfortunate accident this week. That puts me, as vice-president of the audio-visual department, in charge of this shindig. Running the first annual Gran Turismo 3 Tournament on this campus is an unprecedented opportunity for a Sophomore like me, and I have decided to take full advantage of this by abusing my authority and scrounging up over $60,000 worth of a/v equipment from all over the campus.
You will note the four center consoles from which the finalists will compete. Each of these seats is wired up to the 1000 watt auditorium speakers. Ordinarily these systems are used to provide audio for hundreds of people. However, tonight it will be under your butt. I suggest you wear earplugs. Earlier I had the cafeteria lady who serves the french fries sit down in the seat here and fire up the Austin Mini. The roar of the engine popped her bra and shoes right off. She started speaking in Spanish, weeping and pleading for redemption as she crawled for the door, her legs suffering from temporary paralysis.
You will also note that I raided the main conference rooms of the admin building. Each and every seat is equipped with its own 42” Plasma screen, placed right in front of your face. I have also equipped every chair with its own Logitech GT force-feedback steering wheel and I’ve bolted the pedals onto the floor – hello, question from Team VW? Ahh, you’ve brought your own homemade racing controller with a chain-link wheel, horn, and cruise control? Okay, well, that’s not regulation, but input is input. Plug ‘er in.
Now then, I understand there are some side-bets to be made. Our man Tony wouldn’t have allowed it, as it’s against campus policy. However, I’m also a member of the young college entrepreneurs club, and I can smell money like sharks smell blood. So for a 5% commission I’ll gladly officiate any bets you’d like to make. Ah, look here, the VW guy is putting up $200 bucks that says his VW will win. That’s right! Dig out those wallets! ‘specially you, Pre-Law dude, everyone knows you’re loaded. Hang on, something just fell out – hey, it looks like Theta Chi’s missing memory card…
Oh God, whoa! Stop it guys! Don’t get blood on the plasma screen! Put the chair down! Break it up – Save it for the track! Save it for the track!
Let’s get this tourney underway, all right?
[Gran Turismo 3 Week climaxes at the Daily Victim! One week of hardcore racing, backstabbing, and smack talk culminating in tomorrow’s big tournament. Which victim will win? Tune in this weekend to find out!]
Heh. I’m glad I got two more years at this institution. I’m gonna make BANK.
Score: 8.11; Total Votes: 794 as of 2009-12-09.