How Can I Possibly Use the Keyboard to Play Games When the Cartoonist Only Gives Me Four Fingers?

It really wasn’t a problem with the PS2 controller, I mean, I still got opposable thumbs. But, this missing finger … it’s problematic for PC games. I cant’s press the “reload” key without stopping my strafe movement.

Who do these cartoonists think they are? I, for one, am not fooled. Where’s my other finger? What have you done with it? Simplified my hand for the sake of elegant lines and easy poseability? Face it: If you met me in real life you’d think I was a freak. I’ll never get a date. And even if I did, how could I possibly get her bra off with these monkey-claws?

But what really disturbs me is what the cartoonist might be scheming to do with the extra fingers he’s neglected to draw on us. By my calculations, at the rate of two fingers a person, this Daily Victim feature alone accounts for over 400 fingers. WHAT COULD HE BE PLOTTING? We already know he’s clever and creative. What we haven’t established is just how dangerous a fully armed and operational cartoonist could be.

Mark my words someday you’re going to idly tune into this feature expecting another loveable characture exemplifying Internet culture and instead you’ll be horrified to discover a HIDEOUS CREATURE without mouth or eyes composed ENTIRELY OF HUMAN FINGERS rolling around like a GROSSLY DEFORMED KOOSH BALL, FINGERNAILS CLATTERING ON THE FLOOR LIKE MARBLES as it rolls about, KNUCKLES CRACKING LIKE THUNDER! And I for one don’t want to be here to see it! I’m taking my semi-hands and leaving.


Victim Pic Small

At least I can still hitch-hike.


Score: 8.11; Total Votes: 1468 as of 2009-12-09.


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