These Coin-operated Web Servers Were a Bad Idea

What do you mean, “can I justify my position?” Do I have to draw a pie chart? Okay, I’ll give you 15 good reasons:

  1. You can’t hear a thing in the server room over the sound of all the little timers ticking.

  2. All I hear all day from where I sit is “Ding!” “Ding!” “Ding!” from the servers expiring.

  3. Then, when the servers expire, those little red flags flip up. One time I accidently left a paper clip sitting on top of a server, and when the flag flipped up it launched that sucker in the air. It nearly put out Crenshaw’s eye.

  4. At least six times a day I have to open our software cabinet and retrieve fresh quarters from an enormous smiling pink porcelin pig.

  5. Every Wednesday I waste an hour in the laundry mat feeding dollar bills into the machine in order to get a fresh supply of change for the pig.

  6. Peterson – you know, the little guy with the slick hair and the sweatervest? He sometimes pets the pig and coos swwet nothings to him. I saw it once with my own eyes.

  7. The day that Crenshaw got hit in the eye, he howled out in pain and fell to one knee. His flailing arm hit the shelf in the software cabinet and sent the pig flying. Peterson came booking across the office, then dove over my desk like Crispin Glover from the Charlie’s Angels movie. He caught the pig just inches from the ground. He started weeping. Crenshaw was screaming for 911 but I couldn’t hear him over the dinging as the servers clicked off. I spent an hour trying to wrestle the pig from Peterson, during which time our users all got 404 errors across our sites.

  8. The man from the vending company who empties the servers each week wears big pants that reveal his butt-crack when he bends over.

  9. Peterson put a little tiny blindfold on the piggy so that the pig wouldn’t have to look at it.

  10. Crenshaw, who was wearing an eyepatch at the time, told his visiting six-year-old son that the pig was blindfolded becase his demonic gaze could turn any man to stone.

  11. When nobody was looking, his son, in disbelief, carried a wobbly footstool over to the software cabinet and climbed slowly up until he could reach the top shelf. Hands quivering in fear, he slowly … slowly … reached up to peek under the blindfold. Just as he did so, the server behind him let out a deafening “DING!”, and he cried out the most bloodcurdling scream I have ever heard before pig, boy, and cabinet all toppled over onto the floor.

  12. Crenshaw found that extremely funny.

  13. Peterson went home early, sobbing.

  14. I had to clean it all up.

  15. You realize that drives our support costs up, right?


Victim Pic Small

Fine, fine. I’ll go buy a new pig. But this one is going to be plastic!


Score: 8.38; Total Votes: 1611 as of 2009-12-09.


Previous
Oh Man. Today a High School Kid Is Going to Shadow Me for ‘Career Day,’ So I Have to Pretend to Work

Next
Jim Always Plays the Wermacht in WWII Games

Back To Index