Oh Man. Today a High School Kid Is Going to Shadow Me for ‘Career Day,’ So I Have to Pretend to Work

Hi there! uh, what’s your name again? Jim? Hi Jim, welcome to my company, Domainicon.com. We provide domain name registration for companies that are too stupid to do it themselves. What we do is buy the domain for them, charge them twice as much, and through a loophole in the contract we’re allowed to charge them exorbitant relicensing fees every year because technically we still own the actual domain name. I see you just wrote “highway robbery” on your notes – well, technically, yes, but with the right language any sort of theft or criminal behavior can look like a legitimate business model to investors.

Okay, now, stick with me and I’ll show you what I do all day. First, I uh … walk over here and I’m going to get some coffee. I actually don’t drink it at my desk … might miss some good gossip. *slurp* Mmmmn. Good coffee. *slurp* yeeeess.

Oh, okay, next up I uh, come over here and I see if I got any faxes – well, okay, truth be told the account rep who sits by the fax machine is hot. I don’t actually have a fax number. Now, then, next up … more coffee. Riiiight. Okay, so, to business, I uh, I sit down, and then … time to check my email.

Whoa, most of this email consists of unsolicited pictures of asian schoolgirls, heh, how did that happen? Well, no matter, let’s skip the email for now, suffice it to say that I spend several hours each morning studying them. Er, it. OKay. So. Where were we? Yes! Lunch.

When you’re a powerful businessman like myself it’s important to take long, powerful business lunches, usually starting around 11 AM and ending right before my 2 PM coffee break. Oooo…kay so uh – yes, uh …

OKAY OKAY I GIVE UP! I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE! It’s all a charade. See, my job is customer support for all of our clients, but once the .com market crashed and burned it all went horribly wrong. All of the bean counters at the companies we support came in to run clean-up and they took one look at their bills and realized that they were paying upwards of eight grand a year just to use their own domains. They used to call me and make angry, angry noises. I couldn’t take that kind of rejection, it was terrible for my self esteem. So one night I secretly switched my phone wires with Smitty, the technical guy down the hall. He has no idea how these people got his number or why they keep yelling at him. Yesterday he did nothing but sit at his desk and sob. Meanwhile I get all of Smitty’s calls, sometimes as many as two a week, usually from relatives. I tell them that he died.

I play Soldier of Fortune and Rogue Spear all day long. All of my supervisors have been laid off but I snuck into a shared network folder and removed my name from the org chart, so they’ve forgotten they’re still paying me. But please, if you write something nice about me in your school report, I’ll let you play Rogue Spear all day. You’ll be just like a real Internet businessman!

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Hey, you want a beer?

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