Those Things Said about My Mom on the Tribes Server Last Night Weren’t True
Okay, let me set the record straight.
First of all, while it IS true that I had the enemy flag for over ten minutes without my knowledge as I sniped, this has no bearing on my mother’s sexual preferences. My mother, to my knowledge, has always preferred men, at least until the recent medications dulled her sex drive.
Secondly, in a moment of distraction it is in fact true that I accidently crashed an APC into our own solar panels, killing everyone on board and destroying our base’s power supply. However, my mother’s status upon marriage is indisputable – she was only 15 when she tied the knot, so it’s hardly true she could’ve had intimate relations with the ENTIRE National Rifle Association before then. Also, I assure you that my mother was very faithful in her marriage, it was my father who slept around with every soccer mom he could find before his cement truck overturned and left us on welfare. So there.
I’d also like to address what was said about the farm animals. While it is true that my mother grew up on a farm before the foreclosure, her and my grandparents and my numerous, often illegitimate uncles raised chickens only. I ask you to explain how it was physically possible for her to engage in those alleged acts with a chicken, hm? I think I rest my case!
How then, do we explain her lingering depression, rampant alcoholism, and inability to hold a job for more than three consecutive days? Frankly, these things are primarily my fault. When ordered to defend the base, I did in fact wander off of the map. This is due to generations of inbreeding, and not – as some have claimed – to the habitual usage of inhalants which I swear I quit several weeks ago.
So lay off my momma.
I’ve been hearing rumors that many of you are voting based on what you heard about my sister on the Quake server last week. Once again, we are NOT auctioning her off on E-Bay. You’re thinking about my HALF-sister, who is still available.
Score: 7.58; Total Votes: 1665 as of 2009-12-09.