My Ping Is Tingling! Trouble Is Afoot!

Beware, citizen! My extra-low-ping senses tell me that trouble will soon be afoot on this server. I’ll be the first to see it, of course, and while your humble connections are still waiting to hear the news I’ll have already sprung into action.

Hark! Double-yew Tee Eff! Someone’s shining the LPB spotlight onto the sky texture – I’m being summonoed to the flag room! This is indeed serious. I may need to shut down my ICQ and other trivial background applications that are slowing me down to a ludicrous 5-6 ms ping.

Watch as I grapple into our base. I’m already through the window and inside the flag room before your game client actually hears the grapple hook hitting the wall. I’m like The Flash, except I carry a rocket launcher.

Speak up, base-defending latent-one! For the love of humanity, you type slower than it took life to evolve on this planet. You know it goes faster if you use more than one finger? WHa? Say that again – You say my ARCH NEMISIS is logging onto the server? He’s already through the water entrance? No … no mere mortal would dare penetrate my back door … No! It’s –

 

IT IS I! DARK OVERCLOCKER!
We meet again, LowPing. For the last time! You’ll see that my ping is almost as good as yours, even though I live across town – how did I do it? I will tell you my entire master plan before killing you, because that’s how villains operate. I’ve overclocked my DSL modem to cram sacreligious amounts of data through my phone lines. They’ve become hot to the touch and my walls are smoking… But I only need a few moments to defeat you. Thanks to my overclocked DNA I have the superhuman capability of logging in and playing five games simultaneously on the same server. While you may have the advantage in ping, I am – literally – a one-man army! I control my five separate game clients using a mouse in each hand, a trackball under each foot, and a joystick in a place I refuse to announce publicly. Five monitors surround my swiveling computer chair and strategicly placed mirrors allow me to see all five games at once.

I thus have godlike abilities to BE anywhere and SEE anything I wish! Go ahead – for every time you kill me, I’ve got four other me’s with which to retaliate. Ha ha, take that, caped cretin! Now I have your flag! Victory is assured and the succulent taste of sweet vengence will offer solace during the upcoming weeks when I will find it difficult to sit or go to the bathroom! MWa-HA-HA-ha-ha!

 

CONTEMPTABLE VILLAIN! I SHALL BE FORCED TO DEMONSTRATE WHAT THE “B” STANDS FOR IN LPB!
Gads, is all hope lost for our caped bandwidth whore? Never! Your wicked overclocking ways shall be your defeat, nefarious lamer. Citizens, I will need your help. As his multiple-selves pass through the courtyard with our flag, I need you to fire rockets up into the air around me on my signal. Ready? Here he is – NOW!

As I rocket jump into the middle of your death squad, villain, all of your game clients turn to look at me, and hence each other. What they get is a screen full of moving rockets – 25 rockets multiplied by all five clients – hundreds of moving objects! No mere DSL connection can handle THAT MUCH DATA!

MY WALLS ARE ON FIRE! MY WIRES ARE MEEE-EEELLTING
Noo! NOOO!! Foiled again! I have to disconnect as my house has just erupted into flames. Curses. You may have won THIS time, LPB. But I shall return! Next time the day will be mine. That’s right. I’ll get you, LPB. AND YOUR LITTLE FLAG, TOO!


Victim Pic Small

My work here is done. You should all be glad that I use my godlike ping for base defense, and not evil!


Score: 9.14; Total Votes: 3802 as of 2009-12-09.


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