Failure to Blink During an Intense Game of Tribes 2 Has Hardened My Contact Lenses beyond Repair

There I was, on dee, studying the horizon … sweeping back and forth, back and forth … pondering every blip … readying my mortars and letting loose a devastating assault whenever someone stepped foot over the hillside.

Gradually the edges of my vision blurred, but I didn’t notice until the map changed and I decided to finally take a break after several hours of play. I slid my chair back and, when I attempted to close my eyes, I failed utterly. They were stuck. My contact lenses felt like someone had rubber-cemented hubcaps to my eyes.

So I stumbled downstairs and down the hallway to 3B, where The Resident Gaming Expert lives. This guy actually waxes his hands to play Tony Hawk. I’m serious. He waxes them.

“Help me!” I called to him. “I’ve got … TRIBES EYES!

So first he took my head in his hands, and I could totally feel the wax. Then he explained that he’d seen this kind of thing before, which is why he pays his girlfriend to sit next to him during extended Tony Hawk sessions with an eye-dropper. So he proceeded to tell me that he’s going to try the “Eyelich Maneuver” to dislodge the lenses, which believe me, is almost indistinguishable from gouging. Then, when that didn’t work, he took me into a headlock and started pounding my head against the metal door of his closet. “Is this … supposed to pop … the lenses out?” I cried, between each skull-cracking thud.

“Naw,” he said. “I’m just frustrated.”

So I stumbled out of his room, and by this time I couldn’t see at all. Just a solid grey film over my eyes. So I couldn’t see that I was about to run into the glass door at the end of the hallway – I SMACKED it full-on with my face. You can still see the wax handprints on the glass where I hit.

Of course, that dislodged the contacts, where they clattered across the floor never to be seen again. Finally I was able to blink – sweet, merciful moisture!

I managed to feel my way back to my room, but I didn’t have a prayer of finding my lenses. I was legally blind. So I sat down to play more Tribes 2 but all our base were belong to them – I mean, I couldn’t identify friend or foe, much less target a mortar. At one point, I think I was defending the enemy flag for ten minutes. It was terrible.

My advice to you? Blink.

 

[Victim idea submitted by GameSpy reader dgx858. He sounds like an android.]


Victim Pic Small

Could you help me? I’ll just stay here, and if you see an enemy on the horizon, tell me and I’ll start spamming mortars.


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