Today Me and Mr. Stuffnfluf Will Show You How to Correctly Assault Counter-Strike’s cs_militia Map
Okay guys like today is the first weekly live training exercise for our clan. Today we’re gonna focus on the CS_Militia map, because Mike and Josh always get 0wned on that one. You guys play CS like you’re still in the sixth grade and not in Junior High, I mean like, OhmiGOD. OKay.
As you can see, I have very carefully rearranged my basement in an EXACT representation of the basement of the house on CS_Militia. Over here, this overturned couch is the bar, and this wall right here with the cardboard boxes is the kitchen counter, and my foosball table is the, uh, table, and the sheet I draped over the hat rack is like those cases of pop that were in the corner. Pretend the door to my garage is the door to the garage where the hostages are, okay? Except don’t charge in there with guns cuz my sister is playing in there and last time I ran in there with my ski-mask on and my dart gun she like totally horked all over the mini-van and I had to clean it up, it really sucked.
Now, this cardboard life-sized cut-out of Seven of Nine from Star Trek is like the hostage, okay? I’m sorry I don’t have two hostages, but Mike left my cardboard cutout of Boba Fett up in the treehouse when we were practicing our CTF skillz and then it rained and he got ruined. Dick.
Okay, so, pretend that Mr. Stuffenfluf here is THE TERRORIST. Now, you guys leave the room, and then come in like you’re gonna rescue the hostages, and I will critique on your performance like Roger Ebert, except, like a badass Roger Ebert who is more like Mr. T. Ready? Okay … GO!!
No no no, you guys are both dead, See, look, Mr. Stuffnfluf was hiding behind the bar, it’s like the oldest trick in the book. And he killed both of you ‘cuz you ran in and turned your back to him. No you couldn’t have shot him, he’s a low ping bear, I mean look at him. Mr. Stuffnfluf will wreck you if he catches your backside. Okay, try again. Don’t come in until I am ready.
BLAM! Nope, you both died again. See, you checked the bar, then ran in, but Mr. Stuffnfluf was hiding here up on the little shelf above the stove, see? You totally bought it. You just got your asses kicked by A TEDDY BEAR, he chumped you both without even reloading, I watched it happen. This bear is a GOD. He’s like the Ayatollah Kay-Bee Toymeini. HA HA HA! Look how his one eye is like totally loose – that’s like from the kickback of his AK and stuff.
C’mon pay attention. Josh – STOP DRY HUMPING THE HOSTAGE!
Hey, where’s Mr. Stuffnfluf? Mike? Put Mr. Stuffnfluf down! Don’t point the dart gun at his head! He knows ju-jitsu and Matrix-like walk-up-the-wall-fu stuff. Don’t kick down the garage door! If my sister sees Stuffnfluff with a gun to his head she’ll spew stomach nuggets for sure! GROSS. OKay I’m not cleaning it up this time.
Oh no, Mom’s home! Help me move the couch over the barfstain!
Score: 8.11; Total Votes: 1543 as of 2009-12-09.