I lost my job at the grocery store today for cranking up the difficulty on the checkout belt.
A lot of people give me [censored] about being the bag-boy at the supermarket, but lemme tell you somethin’, when that conveyor is going full-on, I’m baggin’ that [censored] like a mother[censored]! Ain’t no piece of produce or canned goods got by me without bein’ stone cold toe-tagged and bagged, W3RD.
But yesterday I found out there was a little speed-slider doojigger under the checkout counter. And Pete was the dude runnin’ the register, so I was like, “Crank that [censored] up, man!” and he cranked it. Lemme tell you, that [censored] be BAGGED. I was ON IT.
See, this whole baggin’ dealio ain’t nothing different from Tetris or some whack-[censored] Bubble Bobble action. Them cans of cat food or Rice-a-Roni come down the chute like falling blocks, and I had ‘em in the bag all laid out like I was makin’ lines or some [censored]. Just like Game Boy. And I realized right there, I’m like, “DUDE, I’ve trained for this MY WHOLE LIFE.”
One time I got 12 dozen eggs into ONE BAG without breaking none. That [censored] was packed in TIGHT. Dude was gonna have to cut those [censored]s out of there with a [censored] surgical knife – w3rd is bond!
So I am ROCKING the house and I tell Pete to just BUST IT OUT, you know, peg that sonofa[censored]. And he cranks up the difficulty, so I got Tampax and Bisquick flyin’ at my head like that belt was shootin’ ROCKETS or some [censored], but I SERIOUSLY got the situation under control. I’m workin’ like 12 to 14 bags a minute, and I ain’t be puttin’ no 2-liter Pepsi on top of loaves of bread or nothin’, my [censored] was TIGHT. So I’m yellin’, “BUST IT OUT, BAY-BEE! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT!?” And Pete is like, “Holy [censored], dawg, your game is ON!”
And then this FAT-[CENSORED] [CENSORED!] comes into my line, with I swear to God two [censored] shopping carts piled high with Twinkies and Mars bars and Cap’n Crunch and then she’s got like the “Low-Fat” milk – OKAY like THAT’S gonna do the trick. Now, Pete’s got the difficulty CRANKED, right? So, [censored] by flyin’ down that belt like I was the last chopper out of Saigon or somethin’. And I’m tryin’ to bag it, but then comes the PUDDING, which comes in these plastic cartons that are big on one side and small on the other, so they’re like seriously putting up a fight.
But Pete keeps the [censored] flying my way, he’s like, “COME ON LITTLE GIRL – SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT!!” and I start screaming out [censored] talk at the top of my lungs, and that [censored] start to be pilin’ up, and then Pete smiles and drops down a 3-liter bottle of Mountain Dew on the chute like he’s droppin’ the Bomb on Saddam and I’m like, “NOOooooo!” and when it hits I swear it was like the floor shook and puddin’ and Tuna went flying up in the air and milk be all fallin’ onto the floor and DUDE. I mean, I TOTALLY lost it. I turned to the chick and was like, “NICE ONE FATTY YOU WRECKED MY PERFECT GAME! YOU GOT A PIE-HOLE THE SIZE OF MY PICKUP TRUCK!!” and she started cryin’ about how the candy was for the kids at the orphanage or some [censored], but then my manager came down and for some reason Pete and I lost our jobs.
No man, I don’t get it either. But if Grocer-Mart had a hi-score, I’d be ALL up in that [censored.] Straight up.
[Daily Victim idea submitted by GameSpy reader Max UK. Good one man!]
Now I need a new job. What else have videogames taught me? Oh yah – dude, let’s be COPS!
Score: 9.01; Total Votes: 3711 as of 2009-12-09.